I remember when I first got into ultra running and I decided to do an epic long run in Marin. This was sometime in 2007, so there was no Strava to map my route, heck, I didn’t even have a GPS watch. What I had was a vague idea that I could run from Sausalito to San Anselmo on the road then connect to the one trail loop I knew (the road runner’s trail loop) then I theorized I could run up and over Mt. Tam and connect back to Mill Valley where I could reconnect with the bike path that I was familiar with. I recollect that I at least looked at a Tom Harrison map. I may even have put a notecard with trails I was supposed to link together into my pack alongside my cell phone, credit card (or did I carry cash?!?!) and 2 cans of Ensure. I remember my Dad was visiting town and so I told him that I might call him for a pick-up from some unknown location perhaps in 4-8hrs. I had no idea. I just got up at the crack of dawn, strapped on my pack and shoes and went. I did not have a set plan of miles or splits or paces. Hell, I will never even know how far I ran that day or really most any day until 2012 when my friend Larissa gave me a GPS watch and put me on Strava.
I felt so genuinely curious on that run. And maybe a little bit nervous, after all, even though I was confident in my sense of direction, it is still easy to get lost in the woods. I remember coming over the top of Tam and running into a parking lot which had two unmarked trails going in opposite directions. I had no idea which one I was supposed to go down. I started towards one but then changed my mind. Thank goodness I did because the initial trail would have taken me down to Stinson Beach aka the wrong side of the mountain for where I was going. I successfully made it to Mill Valley and then called my Dad to come pick me up at Whole Foods because home seemed really far away (although it was less than 5 miles). This was how I ran back in those days.
When I was getting ready for Two Oceans and Comrades in 2012, just before I started wearing a GPS watch, I remember doing these epic road runs from my house in SF, over to Mill Valley, up Old Railroad Grade to the top of Mt. Tam where I would hop on the road (Seven Sisters) and run all the way to Fairfax where Nathan would pick me up. I had figured out this run by piecing together the trails I was then more familiar and connecting it to a well known cycling route. This became a staple of my Comrades training. Most of the time, I would tell Nathan to leave the house at a specific time and I would run until he found me running along the road. These runs were in the realm of 35-40 miles at a go often times. Once I started, I would see it through as best I could. As cell phones evolved, I could text Nathan to head my way a bit earlier or bring me something because I was suffering, but I usually finished my adventures. I loved running this way. I was just winging it, trying to synthesize what I had done from training for marathons and combine it with the information I could gleam from books and articles about ultra running. I did not work with a coach until a few years into my ultra running career.
Back then, I kept a paper journal with estimates of the mileage I ran. Sometimes I wore a watch, most of the time I didn’t. Why did I need to wear a watch for an easy beach and back from the house? It was an easy run, I didn’t need to know it took my 47 seconds slower than yesterday. We called it an 8 miler because it generally took us an hour. There was so much fluidity in my training back then, even as I started to learn and become more serious. I just tried to run a bunch of miles over the course of the week, with some workouts and usually a long run or two on the weekends. Or better yet, a weekend adventure. Back then Nathan and I were prone to hoping into the car and driving to Yosemite at 3 in the morning so we could run the High Sierra Camp loop (40-ish miles) before dark. It was also common for Nathan and our running gang to either jump into a PCTR race together or meet up at a trailhead to go for a long run of dubious distance.
Interestingly, training this way, I felt amazing most of the time. I ran hard when I wanted to. I ran easy when I needed to. I had a keen sense of what my body could and couldn’t handle in the moment. I did not suffer any serious injury in my first 7+ years of ultra running. I took time off when I needed. I was not a slave to a training plan or program. Sometimes I learned things the hard way like in 2010 when training for WS and I just ran a ton of long slow miles. I did not feel fit or fierce going into that race and I learned then that I actually feel my best when training more like a marathoner with a little trail spice. I was able to jump from marathon to ultra and back, following my instincts and interest. I occasionally would give into the pressures of the time to do X or Y race, but back then, someone had to tell you to your face “You should…”.
As the sport grew, things changed. And I did too. I had a coach. I had a plan. I had sponsors. Then I had social media. Looking back now, I think of the scene in Mary Poppins where the little boy is holding tuppence in his hand and through the pressure of those around him, he slowly opens his hand until it is taken from him. I feel like, over the years, I loosened my grip on my own running until somewhere along the lines it stopped feeling like completely mine. It is mine, but being a deeply feeling individual, the pressures and demands or obligations around me, permeate. It is not all bad. Having coaches has taught me how to train better. Having sponsors has (occasionally) allowed for me to race in places I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to get to. Having pressure from the community and social media has helped me to learn and grow and refine my values and what matters to me. In 2020, I felt reunited with that running self of my early career. I have written about it before, but I had so much freaking fun that year. I ran what I wanted, when I wanted. I was deeply in tune with my body and I had some of the best runs of my life. I was thrilled. But I watched that slip away from me as the world returned to normal and the trail and ultra running scene boomed. I couldn’t seem to hold onto the indescribable magic. I have found that so very frustrating. I can occasionally touch the magic (hat tip to anyone reading this that has knowing me long enough and well enough to get that reference), but I cannot hold onto it. At FURTHER, I was knee deep in that magic and that race changed me on a cellular level. I have struggled to regain my footing since. I know I cannot return to the magic of FURTHER, but it has broken me of the notion that I can continue forward in the same way as I was. I don’t want to. My early career, 2020, FURTHER; my running was my own in a way I cannot describe. I cannot exactly explain to you how my running has not been completely my own, I can just feel it. It just feels like where I want my boundary around my running is constantly being violated and trespassed against. I need more space. Like a lot more space.
I went for a run today and I did not wear a watch or carry any device. It is the best run I have had in a long time. It is not because I felt amazing or ran fast (who will ever know how fast I ran?), it was because I ran nice and easy according to what my body asked and I was able to judge it as good. I didn’t have a watch to say, “actually you slow AF”. I came home invigorated because I simply did the thing I love, for the sake of itself, not because I could upload it to Strava or post about it on Instagram.
I did not start this post knowing where I was going. The memory I started with had just floated up to the surface after my run and I was curious to ponder and reminisce about it. I can see know that I was also listening. Listening to a part of me that has been too quiet, listening to pieces of me that I have long since silenced. I don’t have a nicely wrapped up answer about what all of this means for me and my running, but I can feel the gentle closing of my hand around my tuppence. I can feel myself unraveling the complicated mess running has become and see with some clarity how to access the magic again, again and always.
I love this post! Thank you! 😊