One of the things that has “held me back” in my ultrarunning career is that I love to run and race both road and trail. When I first started ultrarunning in 2006, there was no conflict, this was in fact very much how it was done. Folks like Ann Trason, Ellie Greenwood, Nikki Kimball, Kami Semick, Connie Gardner and Amy Sprosten did it all. I would race with and against them at road 100k world championships, then see them a few months later where we would duke it out at races like WS. The differentiation was not a thing. But we all know now, it definitely is. And that just is what it is, good, bad or otherwise. Road ultras over the last handful of years have been treated (in the US at least) at somehow less than or subpar. Trail ultras however are somehow supposed to be capable of saving the world (sarcasm mine). I personally don’t get why we can’t celebrate it all. There is room enough for everyone. I saw glimmers of this last year with the accomplishments of Courtney Olsen and Meg Eckert being celebrated (although they definitely paid the road tax) in the ultra runner of the year rankings. I saw a glimmer with more of a focus on races like Tunnel Hill and JFK. We have exceptionally talented athletes running in every aspect of ultrarunning right now- road, trail, timed/multiday events. It is so wild and so cool to see.
For me, wanting to do both road and trail has created a problem. I want to do it all, all at once as good as I possibly can. I feel in a constant tug of war because it all lights my fire. And also, I sometimes struggle to be true to myself because I have internalized the narrative that certain paths in ultrarunning are “less than”. Even recently talking with a friend who is an agent, she described that brands want someone who is in the WS/UTMB pipeline. I have raced an ample number of trail ultras. I thrive in ultra races from 50k to 100 mile that are damn near flat and ones that climb over big ass mountains. I feel very accomplished in that arena. I sometimes feel obligated to continue to retread those tires. I do feel like I have a lot left to accomplish but no urgency to get to those goals. I also feel like through the stress preceding being dropped and actually being dropped, I got really confused as to what was really calling to me. So I decided to do everything. But as I’ve gotten into it (as well as faced the financial realities of trying to do so), I am realizing that I am setting myself up well to fail at everything.
You can’t half-ass ultras anymore. You have to full and total ass them. You need to be dialed and supported. And right now, I am feeling extremely excited and motivated to pick and stick a singular focus, instead of dividing my attention. I had so much fun actually focusing on Houston, just like I enjoyed a long lead up to FURTHER. I want to go towards the thing that scares me. I want to go after my white whale. I want to stop dividing my attention. I’ve decided to focus on Comrades on June 8th and not go after a golden ticket in Chianti. I am a deferring the dream of getting (yet another/ my 8th) golden ticket. WS can wait. Unless a magic fairy delivers me an entry, I won’t be on the startline of the 2025 Western States 100. I want to get back to Comrades and conquer that race. Since I first raced in 2012, it has been my white whale. I have had good races there (3 top 10s) but I have never felt I have raced to my fitness potential. I want to know how good I can be and how fast I can run, while I am still in my prime. I am excited and nervous to give my heart and soul to this. My curiosity is just too strong. And when you compare that to my feelings about WS, which are a mild interest in bettering my 3rd place finish there, it seems like an obvious choice, now that I have sorted through all the noise and opinions, factors and pressures. My running is completely mine. And I want to do the things that light me up.
It is extremely scary to make this choice because I have been thwarted so many times in actually getting to the start line of Comrades. I have had my heart shattered numerous times but for once, I am seeing that not as a scary thing but as a worthwhile risk to take. I want to try to do something capable of breaking my heart, I don’t want to play it safe. If my heart gets broken, if I wildly fail, I will in fact survive. It is also intimidating to go after this goal as I feel like overnight everyone suddenly dramatically improved. To put it in perspective, last year I ran Comrades in almost the same time as I did in 2017 (with a broken foot). In 2017, I was 10th. Last year, I tied for 39th place. Woof. I’ve got work to do. But I am not put off by an intimidating amount of work. I have literally rebuilt my whole life from nothing. I have opened businesses from the ground up. I look at a mountain of work to do and usually, just take a deep breath and get to work. So let’s get to work.
Great writing Devon . I will be going to Comrades too. I will look out for you 😊 I have never done it before...
Yes Devon, as a South African and doing my second Comrades I’m excited to see you on the start line again! 😁