I'm retiring

On leaving behind things that no longer serve me

I have had a blog, in one form or another, since 2005 when I was living abroad in London working as a librarian at City and Islington College.

I have always been an early adopter of social media. I was on MySpace, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram in their infancies.

I started on Strava in 2012, when two of my friends went to work there.

I have made Youtube series. I hosted two podcasts.

I have been sponsored for more than 75% of my running career.

All of these things I started doing out of curiosity and seeking connection. Over the years though, these things stopped being about that. Not just for me, but universally. It was no longer about sharing your life, it was about building a brand. As this intensified over the years, I both was game and resisted. I internalized, like a lot of people, that it was “my job” to do this. That I somehow owed it to the world to share myself, my story and my vulnerability. And the reality is, I felt like if I didn’t do these things than I would not actually be able to run as my job (even a part-time one) because it had become a requirement of the job of being a sponsored runner. I was fine with those requirements because frankly, before 2020 or so, at least some social media still felt genuinely enjoyable.

In mid-2018, I left my sponsorship with Oiselle and for the first time, I started genuinely looking at my “brand” and what was serving me and what was not. What was I doing because I wanted to and what was I doing to make myself desirable for a brand. I have always been someone who wants to meet or exceed expectations and I was always striving to be the best sponsee. I realized that I did not want to be on Twitter or Facebook and so I permanently deleted them. Later in the year, when HOKA unceremoniously dropped me, I was faced with the challenge of trying to bolster my own brand and make myself “desirable” to other brands, all while faced with complex feelings about how things went with that sponsor and if I wanted to be sponsored at all in the future. Along with meeting and exceeding expectations, I have always sought approval from others. And I wanted approval from “The Sport”. I wanted people in running to like me, approve of me, accept me. Thus, I continued trying to be the person that people on the internet wanted me to be. Deep down, I wanted to be sponsored again as some sort of proof of my worthiness. I kept showing up, I kept sharing, I kept posting. I kept hoping, for a while. But there was always a quiet discontentment inside, which only grew and chafed more as social media spiraled towards what it was now. When I began intensive somatic therapy in 2020, I was able to uproot some of the old beliefs and habits that were holding me hostage. In 2020 and 2021, I began to feel free in my running and in my life. I was cultivating the community I wanted. I was understanding myself. I felt like I was learning how to truly be myself. In 2022, I saw that all come together as I raced my best and felt I was my best in facing difficult circumstances.

Then lululemon came knocking. When I was approached by them, I had the same hesitancy that I had when I first began dating Nathan back in 2009. I really liked Nathan, but I also really liked my life and I was not sure if pursuing a relationship meant upending everything I had worked so hard to create for myself. I carefully considered that choice and then proceeded into the relationship with full awareness. Lululemon appearing in my life had the same effect. And I was cautious about entering the partnership with them. I vowed “this time will be different” and pledged to not make the same mistakes I had in the past. The partnership did feel different, at least at the start, but the reality was ultimately just another flavor of the same old thing. I didn’t see it happened, it was a slow slide that left me feeling insecure and desperate in the late months of 2024. I had given away all of my power and myself. Then it was over and I was shattered. In the wake, I again vowed, I’ll do this differently but I found months later that instead of different, simply still spinning in circles. Still triggered, still lost. Still frustrated that I had spent more than 2 years increasing my engagement, offerings and going all in on my “brand”. I look back and see just a chorus of “pick me, choose me, love me”.

This year, I’ve expressed wavering on my place in the sport and the community. What it all means and how I want to be in the sport. I can now see that there was large part of me that didn’t like the answer that was the truth because it meant for once that I would have to give to myself what I was seeking from others: approval, self-worth, confidence, kudos. I couldn’t close the door on the idea of being sponsored again, as much as I gave it lip service that I was, because I was lacking the courage. Lacking the courage to be out in the wilderness, not as a brand, but as a person. I was afraid to let go of things that weren’t serving me because the costs had sunk so deep that I almost felt like I could not live without them. But I can see now that the only way I can live is, in fact, to do just that.

I am done being a brand. I am retiring. What that means, I am done on Instagram, which has been the most problematic for me over the last few years. I am done with YouTube and podcasts (although that is relatively easy, as I had already stopped). I am done-ish with Strava, as I will post when I am inspired and will 100% leave the platform if they continue their current trajectory with Pros (aka engagement requirements etc). I am done with pursuing new sponsorships.

I will continue to write here, as currently SubStack is genuinely enjoyable, but I am suspicious of the platform’s current trajectory. I AM done explaining myself. The title of this SubStack is meant to be ironic and yet, the majority of what I have written here feels just like that: “let me explain myself”.

I am moving my energy, engagement and life back into the real world. I am using my time and resources on things that matter to me like the actual running part. I am working on building an in person community here in Salida that, like my people in Marin did, make me forget that the online world even exists. I am retiring from doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result. I am actually doing something different with curiosity and openness.

I am not deactivating or deleting my Instagram, I am simply leaving it and not coming back, for now. But then agai Heck, I’m not even posting about this on Instagram. Same with Strava. I will let them just languish there for now. And I will go and be free. I am no longer a personal brand, I am just a person. A person ready to explore this brave new chapter of life.

addendum: after a week or two of contemplation, I decided to deactivate my personal instagram completely. I will continue to monitor my coaching instagram (darkhorseruncoaching) and the bakery (silverwhiskerbakeshop).