The death of nuance

If you let me down, let me down easy.

Imagine you are at your job. One day your boss says, “let’s have a meeting”. In that meeting, your boss tells you that you are fired and you can get your stuff and go. Today is your last day. You ask why and they say something vague like “budget” or “new era” or “the company is changing direction”. You wonder aloud, “Don’t you think you could have told me earlier? Perhaps months ago when I asked for feedback and clarity? Perhaps when I asked you how I could stay with the company and you told me ‘just be yourself’?” No answer. You are out of job, despite doing everything that was asked of you and are suddenly, painfully, unemployed and worried how you will pay your bills.

Now imagine you are at that same job. One day your boss says, “let’s have a meeting”. In the meeting, your boss tells you that there are budget cuts coming and the company is changing their focus. In three months time, you will be out of the job. Your boss tells you that you did your job well, but in this “new era” that your position won’t exist or you are no longer suited for the roles available. You feel the sting of unwelcome change, but you also are thankful that you have time to get something in place before your current position ends so that you don’t have to worry about your bills and can make smart decisions immediately with your finances.

Which would you choose?

I would pick the second option.

But this week, it was the first that I got when I found out that lululemon no longer was going to sponsor me. I posted on Instagram how painfully blindsided I was. How used and discarded I felt. I am entitled to my feelings. And find it humorous that there are people in the sport that disagree with that. I shouldn’t have to explain that there is a lot, A LOT more that they don’t know about the situation that makes me feel this way. Some people say, “everyone gets dropped” and yes, contracts end all the time, but there is a way to go about it that doesn’t cause harm to the athlete. That’s the issue. Telling me days before my contract was up didn’t allow me to find other options. It means that half my income is gone overnight. That, in my opinion, is unnecessarily harmful.

Some people say, “but they are good people”. And I look around, under every rock and search for the place that I say otherwise. In fact, I said they were like family. Which makes it even harder. Because I deeply care about so many people that I worked with, including the very people who were stone-faced killers when they told me I was done. I had an amazing experience through the FURTHER project, that’s what makes this hard. There are so many things left incomplete, that’s what makes this unexpected. I was blindsided and I did everything in my power not to be, constantly asking, pestering, inquiring if I was doing my job, if I was on the right track, how I could do more. I was told that I was supported and I didn’t need to do anything.

I find it surprising that many people act as if being dropped is never a big deal to an athlete. For most of my career, it wasn’t. I was not being paid enough to be a full time athlete and I usually had 2 other jobs that paid my bills. Running paid for itself and that was enough. But for the last two years, my sponsorship was half of my income and a full-time demand. And so losing that matters. It is a drastic overnight shift and not something that can be remedied so easily. I am in a tight spot and it is uncomfortable. I will be fine in the long run- Nathan and I are opening a bakery and I have full faith that we will be successful. But right now, that just means things are tight.

The biggest conundrum for me is now imminently racing. I do not know how to proceed. For a financial perspective, dropping $1,000 or more on a race right now is irresponsible. Especially when you consider that Black Canyon has zero prize money and the reward is entry into WS 100, which means even more money to be spent. I very much would like to be on the startline at WS this year, especially given that I have had to miss it the last two years for health. Being dropped by lululemon, touches on this nerve especially since I missed it due to the effects of FURTHER on my health. Forgoing Black Canyon leaves me with only more expensive golden ticket options such as Tarawera or Chianti (which to be fair is actually a much preferred option to me, but wildly more expensive than Black Canyon). I am not racing Canyons, as I am slated to do an event the same weekend that I am very excited about and committed to.

I could not race. But eliminating the chance of running WS this year, nearly guarantees that I will not find a sponsor. It is nearly a requirement these days to do either WS, Hardrock or UTMB. And since I didn’t have a qualifier for Hardrock and I didn’t get into UTMB, my option is limited. As all of this is fresh, I am not certain if I want to close the door on sponsorship or not. I have been unsponsored before, although I was in a financially sound position given that our old bakery, MHBB, was thriving. I found it very freeing to be unsponsored. But I also believe that positive brand relationships can exist (even when they end).

I am not sure what to do or how to feel. The landscape of ultrarunning is a challenging one for me and I am not certain where or how I fit in. I don’t actually know I want because I have internalized the sports expectations and find myself defaulting to what I think I “should” be doing. I am trying to pull it all apart. I am trying to get clear. I am just not there yet. I will get there. I don’t have answers, but they will come. I will feel my feelings. I will lean into the care and support that so many have shown. And like I always do, I will find my way.