Waving the white flag

On understanding values and red flags.

I think one of the reasons that I have found the ultrarunning ecosystem so frustrating over the last few years is that I consistently feel like my values and my morals are in conflict. I am very altruistic, compassionate, extremely loyal and have high integrity. I care about contribution, purpose, passion, fun, curiosity, courage, growth, kindness and adventure. I am sensitive and deeply feeling. I have broken parts, hurt parts and a nervous system that is still learning to rewire. When I see things happen in the sport, it is highly activating, because I care and because of my world view. It is hard for me to reconcile certain things and feel at home in the space, in way that doesn’t seem to be the case for other people.

I’ve obviously spent a lot of time recently thinking about the professional part of my running career. I have been reflecting on the trade-offs I’ve made and the situations that I have found myself in. I have realized that it historically has not been a compatitable situation for me and has often undermined my actual running. This is a matter of fit and is mostly on me for being an ill fit. The lens through which I have looked at these partnerships, almost always, has ended up not working out for me. I have always struggled with maintaining a healthy distance or boundary from the brands that I work with. I generally join a brand because not only do I like the product, but I like the people. Thus, when I join their team, I do so wholeheartedly. I am all in, ready to give my all. I am intense and my perfectionism has always meant that I want to MEET or EXCEED all expectations. I stop focusing on what I want and I start trying to figure out what they want, so that I can do that. I find myself in a constant internal battle between trying to do (or remember) what I want and what I think they want. My mistake has always been thinking that the brands genuinely cared about me. This is a natural mistake, given when I started in the sport, the brands were also fledgling in the space. It felt like we were growing up together. But I never moved out of that phase and subsequently, found myself feeling conflicted. And gotten myself hurt.

Over the last few weeks, I have deliberately slowed down and asked myself if I even want to be sponsored anymore. Certainly, having a travel budget and not worrying about funding my racing is nice, but it does not come without a cost. I am seeing now, that maybe it is not the right fit for me. I am seeing now how deeply contradictory some common behaviors in the space are and how incompatible that feels with my beliefs. I am starting to see the red flags and for the first time in my history not rushing towards them. I am not ignoring them or letting them go or brushing them off. I am letting people show me who they are and how they would show up in a brand partnership. Here are some things that I have discovered do not work for me.

1. Dishonesty. I have had brands tell me “we don’t pay athletes that much”, when in fact I had verified information from athletes on those teams about how much pay was. I have had brands tell me “ we don’t have any budget available” only to find out they subsequently made another athlete an offer later. I would rather they tell me that they simply aren’t interested, than to be lied to.

2. Poor communication. Good communication is very important to me. Heck, as I’ve overexplained a million times of this substack, I am an overexplainer. I value clarity of expectations and good communication. I find it laughable that every team manager will tell you they value good communication and then turn around and not respond to an email for over a month. In my most recent experience, I explicitly asked for more support and communication. What I got instead was ghosted for 3 months straight. I had made myself vulnerable asking for help and got completely shut out. This caused me immense stress and emotional harm. I do not need constant dialogue but I do need clear communication.

3. Lack of integrity and shitty behavior. I have had a few experiences over the years that should have made me swear off sponsorships for good. One such experience was a brand sending me an illegally changed contract. I had come to an agreement on a deal with a brand and made a verbal agreement to the terms. A new head of marketing was brought in, the contract was put on his desk to be signed. What he did instead, was removed all of the money from my contract then sent it to me signed and did not tell me of the change. Thankfully I noticed and responded to the contract (and yes, I know what I wrote since it was an email) that “this was very upsetting because this is not what was agreed”. I did not sign the contract. I subsequently found out from one of my other sponsors that the individual who had done this was going around the industry telling people that I was difficult to work with. Mindblown. I had another experience in which a marketing manager left me at an ER in the middle of an event and didn’t come back for me. She then lied to my team and to the higher ups in the brand about my behavior and character. Like crazy out there shit, that when I heard was shocked that the higher ups in the company would even consider, it was a complete character assassination. It ruined the relationship and even though that marketing manager was subsequently let go, I was never made whole or apologized to.

4. Bad deals. I will not take a deal just to have a deal. I think that is bad for the sport. When I consider contracts, I am thinking about how this will affect all of the women in the sport. Is this good for all of us? Does this move things forward for women? This is why many years ago, when I was offered a contract extension by HOKA that had removed all the salary from my contract, I said no. They told me that there was no reason, nothing I had done to be reduced, just that they could do it, so they were going to do it. I will not take a lesser contract from the same company just to stay sponsored. To me that is being asked to do the same amount of work for less money. Most people who take reductions never share that publicly and continue to do the same amount of work and show the same amount of enthusiasm for the brand. To me this signals to a brand that you can get the same value out of someone for less work. I do not think that moves the sport forward for others, especially women. This point especially, I acknowledge my own lens, because I can understand that not everyone is taking these things into consideration when making a deal for themself. I am not saying mine is right and others wrong, I am saying that I consider these deals in the context of the entire sport and how it influences or moves forward the entire space.

5. Loyalty. Succinctly put, I will not consider a partnership with a brand that has mistreated or harmed anyone I care about. I am extremely loyal and protective of my friends, so do not/would not consider partnering with a brand that has hurt someone I know. Heck, I won’t spend another dollar in my life with those brands, they are dead to me. I do not expect everyone to be this way. I do however struggle watching people I know celebrate deals with companies as “so supportive of women” when those companies have consistently and steadfastly shown quite the opposite.

It is clear to me, even in putting this down on paper, that it is unlikely that I will ever be sponsored again. I do not feel it is compatible with who I am and how I see the world. I feel like I can see how toxic of an environment it can be for me because of who I am and how I see the world. The things I have outlined above very well could be nonissues for others who are considering brand partnerships. Or they could be things that athletes are willing to deal with in order to be in the sport. I get that, I am not judging athletes for doing what they have to do, especially in a sport where there are such limited options. This is me considering for myself what works and what doesn’t.

I am too much, I am not enough, I am the wrong balance of characteristics to fit neatly into the box that brands want. I am coming into my own, feeling my way into my worth, finding solid ground in who and what I stand for. And in this, I have found a way to be more comfortable with the fact that I will never fit in. And that I don’t actually want to. I am never ever going to be accessible or understood by everyone. I will be loved and hated, but never universally adored. And that is ok. I would rather stick to my values and my morals, I would rather push the limits and work for change, than simply blend in and be safely in the middle of the pack. Every day in every way, I commit more and more to being myself. And I am not for everyone.