Do it for the 'gram

I am having a really hard time currently with social media. As I work to understand myself in a post-sponsorship era, I have been working really hard to understand how certain things fit into my life. I have drilled very deeply into my feelings about the state of the sport, racing and privilege and generally how I want to operate as a non-sponsored competitive runner. I am not done giving my best to the sport, but I am trying to do better at putting my deepest and truest desires first. I want to know who my authentic self is in this space and that is not always the easiest thing to do when there are demands, expectations and assumptions placed upon us, both implicitly and explicitly.

I was lucky enough to start my running career before the age of social media. I started my first blog in 2005 not because I was supposed to, but because I wanted to. I adopted technology early out of curiosity and interest. I liked being connected, when that was what those platforms were about. I didn’t adopt technologies that didn’t fit. I never used Snapchat or TikTok, they didn’t appeal to me. I dabbled in YouTube and made a few series that I really liked, but I did not do it in order to be a YouTuber. I left technology when I felt it no longer served me. I permanently deleted my Facebook and Twitter accounts back in 2018.

When being a pro athlete and social media became enmeshed, I started to struggle. I don’t want to “have a personal brand” and I have always been willing to share my story because I am altruistic and want to help others, not because I am trying to leverage it for gain. Other people certainly have leveraged my story for their own personal gain, but I have not monetarily benefited.

My struggle with social media escalated when I signed with lululemon. While my contract was not explicit about how often I should be posting, when I looked around at my peers who were successful with the brand they were prolific posters and influencers. And since I wanted to be successful with this sponsorship, I felt that I needed to post more frequently. I needed to have a social media presence. I tried, but the more time I spent online, the more alienated I felt from the sport. The more frustrated I felt with the sport. I wanted to be spending my time and energy on the sport, not talking and posting about the sport. Not curating an image of the sport. I didn’t want to feel like I had to carry my phone on runs and take photos.

The platforms themselves also changed. Instagram is not a platform I resonate with anymore. I really only follow a handful of people I know in real life and trying to see their posts is a frustrating chore. Instagram forces a few people down my throat and refuses to show me posts from people I actually want to see. Even though I repeatedly turn off suggested posts, my feed is mostly ads. When I do see posts from people I follow in the sport, they often feel no better than ads. There feels like there is very little authenticity left. Strava, a platform I had been on since its inception, feels judgmental and alienating because random competitors and pundits have started having opinions on other people’s training. Currently, when I go on these platforms, I just think about the fact that someone is monetizing my attention and designed to try and keep my attention. Social media is not about connecting or community, it is about consumption.

And yet, it feels difficult to quit. I have taken a few “quiet quitting” breaks from Instagram and loved it. The freedom from potential judgment and other people’s opinions is marvelous. I get to just be with myself and not worry about the fact that I am not documenting it or curating it for others. But I have come back time and time again. I worry that if I am not on social media that I will struggle to connect with potential athletes and my coaching business will suffer. And let’s be real, my ego would like me to stay. Getting likes, comments, praise, kudos floods the brain with feel good hormones. When I win a race or accomplish a goal, posting about it on social media helps you bask in the glory longer. It feels good, for a while. As it is designed to do. As it has trained us to do. But in reality, it is shallow and fleeting. It feels very close to real connection and community, but it is not.

And that is what I truly want. To feel like a connected part of the community. I want to have deep close real relationships, not shallow para-social ones that are built on a premise of sharing a highlight reel of life. I want to know and support my people and know and be supported. I want my life to be rich and full and engaged, not just appear that way on the internet. I want to live my life, not act it out.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know if I am any closer to understanding where social media fits into my life or not, then when I started this post. My finger often hovers over the delete button, but I have yet to push it. If there is one thing I have gained over the last few months after being dropped, it is the relief from feeling pressure. I don’t need to know or decide or have it all figured out. I am on my own timeline and I report only to myself. I’d like to unravel this, but not to have a decision, but to have peace. I will get there get. The great thing about stepping into my autonomy and power is that I feel much more confident in existing (and sharing) in the uncurated messy middle.