Limitless

Understanding and breaking free of the self-imposed ways we limit ourselves

I think people think I am much more fearless than I am. I have done some courageous things in my life, yes. But for the most part, my courage arises when my back is against the wall and I am forced. In other realms of life, I don’t really make big courageous leaps. If anything, I get big ideas, I get excited and then I shut myself down through negative self-talk: I am not qualified to do that. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Why bother, it won’t work out. No, no, that is not for you. And many more variations. I always have found it strange that I do think that I am competent, intelligent and have high self-efficacy. The things I do, I do quite well. While I am the “Queen of Trying Hard” in areas where I have determined I am capable, I am also the “Queen of Self-Imposed Limitations” in areas where I don’t feel as confident.

For years, I didn’t go into coaching because I felt that just because I ran didn’t mean I knew how to coach. I still very much feel that there are way too many athletes that think “I run, therefore I coach”, but even after I earned a Master’s in Coaching and Exercise Science and even after working as a coach for more than 5 years, I still had imposter syndrome and didn’t feel like I belong. But I do. I have helped a lot of athletes chase their goals and become better athletes. I absolutely love helping people and feel that contributing to the lives of others is one of my biggest passions and motivators.

And yet, I try to not take up to much space or make much noise. I am afraid of the bullies and the gatekeepers in the space and I do not want to alert them to my existence. I don’t market myself or put myself out there as much as I could, because I do not feel brave. I very much have not had the courage to go all in on coaching. In fact, for the better part of the last year, I have been spending a great deal of time and energy trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. In the past few months, I have applied to programs and worked on classes but absolutely not in the areas where my passions and interests and purpose lie. I have tried to turn myself towards safe, stable, dependable things. I have let fears and uncertainty drive me to paths that do not light my fire, do not excite me, but simply make me feel safer.

If my household had a motto growing up it might have been, “Stability over everything” or “Risks are for other people” or “Take the known road”. I didn’t realize until very recently how formative my upbringing was when it comes to self-limiting. The sky was not the limit. There were very much limits. And I learned to feel very comfortable doing just enough to be touching those limits. But it very much made me afraid of my own shadow and of my own power. I can feel a very specific sensation come up in my body when I have an idea that would shatter the ceiling of those limitations. I get a certain buzzing and energy when I plan to make a huge leap that is beyond my stable walls. I viscerally feel when I am on to something big and usually, usually that means I shut it down, I come up with all of the reasons it couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t work for me. I put it into the graveyard of ideas that lit me up like a bonfire but never got to see the light of day.

That is why I have seriously contemplated becoming an accountant or a data scientist and pursuing degrees in said areas. (Nevermind the fact that I have a Master’s degree in Library and Information Science and am actually an AMAZING researcher and data analyst- I still think I need ANOTHER degree to PROVE my abilities). But while both of those careers are great options, they are not great options for me. Why? Because I want to work in athletics and I want to help people. This is what I want to do and yet, I am in a near constant state of anxiety about being all in on coaching as my career because I have not yet found a way to translate something that was a part time thing and worked well when I was professional runner/bakery owner/coach into a thing that works now as professional runner/coach and will work when it is just coach. I have so many ideas of what I want to do with my coaching to expand it and have more offerings that I literally sat on a rock and cried in the middle of my run because I was so excited. I can feel that buzzing, terrifying energy. And simultaneously, I can feel the desire to self-limit, I can feel the pull to run away, I want to just shut it down and bury it. But do I? I don’t think that is what I want to do, that is just what I learned to do and adopted as my way of coping. Staying small and risking nothing can be extremely comfortable. When you grow up and become accustomed to living with few resources, there is not a great push to go beyond that. I can survive on very little, so why try for more? This is a blindspot I did not see in myself until just recently. I have become my own best self-limiting force.

And I do not want to do that anymore. I want to take the advice of my wise mental performance coach, Emily Saul, and just make the leap. Because safe and small will still be there if I fail. I can retreat back there, if I need to. But I shouldn’t stay there anymore. I am ready.

Here is what I am setting out to do. First of all, I want to expand the number of athletes I work with. Currently, I work with about 20. I would like to have at least 40 at a time as this is the number that allows this to be full-time and sustainable for me. (side note: if your coach is coaching over 100 athletes or more, you are not getting individualized coaching. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, that math just doesn’t math) If you are interested in coaching, check out my website HERE and let’s have a chat.

Most importantly, and what has me inspired and sitting on a rock with a mixture of excitement and fear and anticipation, is the resources that I am developing for athlete’s with chronic illness. There are several projects that I am working on in this area. First, I am starting a new podcast, SICK!?! An Athlete’s Guide to Chronic Illness. This will launch by the end of the year. It will include helpful information on how to navigate after a diagnosis, research in chronic and autoimmune disease, experts and community members stories.

I also am working on a guide/workbook that will help athletes (or anyone really) better support their health and control the controllable. I am taking all of the years of work and experimentation that I have done with my own chronic illness and turning it into a tool that will help newly diagnosed not have to start from scratch. I want to build a resource that can ease the burden of a diagnosis not amplify it.

Finally, I am building a 6 month long group coaching offering for people newly diagnosed with chronic illness (or anyone who feels like they could use more structure in combating their illnesses). This will be more health-based than running based but is designed to support athletes moving their health forward while also pursuing their athletic goals.

That is what I feel passionate about: coaching runners and supporting athletes with chronic illness. This feels like a gigantic leap for me, even hitting post on this Substack. Because I am putting it out there that I am making a leap, that I am putting my energy into doing something that lights me up and that I have no idea if anyone will come to my party, so to speak. But I have to find out. It is time.

If you would like to stay informed about these offerings, please head over to this page and sign up. I will keep you in the loop!